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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her
in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!
How do they do that?!
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty
soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has
more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was
a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to
laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by
laughing he would forget what he asked me.
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and
rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll
thank you.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of
parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when
somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if
you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS
that thing?!
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that
really annoys me.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to
have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take
it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back
inside the hat is at least a decade away.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your
lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot
of money.''
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,
because that's what He's getting!
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do
some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a
skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a
skull but just an old dried-out potato.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus
if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the
way. Cars, too!
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me
to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my
imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the
weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I
spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the
questions?
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little
window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins
or changes colors.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said
that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another
emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet.
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and
eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like
dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped,
and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And
usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice
of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the
confusion and problems they've caused?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was
fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I
said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for
about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an
interesting story.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my
skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know
why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and
beg for it.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and
just laugh at people.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and
forth, wanting that money.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to
hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.
That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?"
And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd
be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the
questions are. Hey, where am I?
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And
also, you're drunk.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you
would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back
features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean
"having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,
but that's another weakness.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever
needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our "friend."
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That
way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like
apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some
were probably hit by cars.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort
of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go
out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the
ground were my parents having sex.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow
these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third,
shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the
sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to
the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you
spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be
PROUD to be sprayed by one.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city
slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's
money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer,
nobody had any money left to buy it!
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a
flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I
said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.
Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear
across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.
Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say,
"Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big
laughs are coming.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you
have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on,
we're not going to hurt it.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and
the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good
saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a
fella."
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is "Probably because of something you did."
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all
I have to say.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily
means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn
about proper hammer maintenance.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd
just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's
`fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask
someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be
friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all
covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because
leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same
time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I
can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they
break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's
the monster, sound asleep.
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice
it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every
night.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over
the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me.
I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and
dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking
and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak
English.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you
could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he
would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people
see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It
would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a
while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some
pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an
eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents.
Then, some more pornography.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around
myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard,
protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when
you get bit by a rattlesnake.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads
that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then
somehow I get myself elected president.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the
world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have
the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine.
Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN
TO YOURSELF!
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes
out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell
the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many
loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean
lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to
be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the
sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and
they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about
the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll
be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun."
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start
to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of
"bag."
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind
should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a
hammer.
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what
else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and
it can kill you if you disobey it.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says
"You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that
his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the
point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff,
or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we
had some growing up to do.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad
at you. I found this out the hard way.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime,
to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the
ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,
like you're going to fall in.
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on
a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
You can't tell me that cowboyx, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of
"accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of
letting off stress.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with
a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't
eat so much.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would
get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that
different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's
Hambone.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the
fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it
was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not
an `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't
even know the right word.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad
and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to
another father.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about
your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is
just to say, "No speaka English."
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be
thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together
and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go
ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple
as wild dogs.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a
boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because
do you hide from it or not?
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty
or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at
their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But
the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's
completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on
someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could
cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is,
we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by
cars a lot. The third is stripes.
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a
nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another
scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your
hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when
he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them
by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them
out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of
zebra and clown life.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I
could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk.
After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or
something.
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really
make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed
to carry it?!
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in
favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
They're just not ready.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the
drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask
people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful
things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with
long, blond hair.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round
metal hat.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by
about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I
can," one bee.)
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell
about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they
forget the negative side, which is the preening.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because
I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some
fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more
impressive.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would
take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you
know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to
the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is
wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and
how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw
chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all
you give them. Man, wise up.
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together
on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of
holes?
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a
common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat)?
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it
open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and
in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and
just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is
behind this.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first
thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on
your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then,
when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said
`inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,
because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little
torture.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous
snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU
got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A
lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell
them it was just a joke.
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd
Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get
your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is
wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a
radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met
the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow,
but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times.
I think they got the point.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I thnk it's okay
to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who
this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!,
I'd have all my money back.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he though. "This watering hole is reserved for
skeletons."
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in
their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a
whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you
know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you,
the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and
it tastes like Kool-Aid.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger
or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the
meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't
know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who
lived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my
mistake.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop
and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's
probably the first sign of jungle madness.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's
called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual
push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just
push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted
number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is assking the
question.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least
effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at
a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of theose
plastic dry-cleaner bags?
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,
trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd
say, "well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe
Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space
warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!"
said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he
said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?"
thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering
wheel sticking out of the meteor.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm
telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick
potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings
and lady Vikings.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I
thought, "What am I doing?!"
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How
could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and
I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone
listening to me?!
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle
Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.
Later on we found out he was a bear.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute
you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's
not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on
both sides.
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if
you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't
get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe
it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from
the first fight.
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart
sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his
Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed
Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and
stuck out his arms, like he was ogoing to fly. I forget what happened after
that.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people
to do what I say.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and
they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were
creating.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on
this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they
make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our
civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come
back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a
crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that,
or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the
day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave
early.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They
probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because
I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that
ear monster and that big-dress monster.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back
my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and
you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even
pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody
would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say
he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face
with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but
then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good
idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free
dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never
leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an
enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and
since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First
of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that
looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet
that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something
like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you
have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink
is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons
sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what
they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel
gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war
is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if
someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean
this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes,
where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought
it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking
it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with
no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization
out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people
or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so
confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving
rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a
bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,
but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to
the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned
out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left
town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold
nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and
the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but
to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket
Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after
about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe
later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town.
Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those
ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West
and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing,
I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold,"
and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by
a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with
him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying.
That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said
that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something
like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double
what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went
to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and
waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see
the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was
fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I
said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick
insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth
like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't
say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,
later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good
cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at
inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought
something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me,
some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the
handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the
inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we
would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless
a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing
a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round
and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell
out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then
we had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure
and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then,
he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."
But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story
wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was
a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may
the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and
they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut
it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,
and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or
something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
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