Anytime I see something screech across a room, and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?


As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable, until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!


As the evening sky faded from a salmon color, to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.


As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for pretty rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke, just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy.

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.


Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.


Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.


Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion, or the tiger, or even the elephant. It's a shark, riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.


Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.


For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.


He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much, he made a woman out of dirt, and married her, but when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in Heaven, with a gun."


How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.


I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.


I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.


I bet for an indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.


I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow, getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped, he'd yell, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?", or, "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!


I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.


I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.


I remember how my great uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it, and no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

I remember one day I was at grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.


I think a cute idea would be about a parrot who is raised with eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After awhile though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver, and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up real quick and hand it to him.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head, and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.


I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.


I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him, and not feel too bad.


I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.


I wish I would have a real tragic love affair, and get so bummed out that I just quit my job, and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I wish outerspace guys would conquer earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.


I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."


If aliens from outerspace ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in 20 years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving goodbye.


If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.


If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!


If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampoland, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seem to be getting out of control.

If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.


If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.


If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.


If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.


If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.


If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.


If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't necessarily think it means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.


If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you're a young mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.


If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.


If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing, or the cranberry sauce, or anything else, just pretend you're eating it, but instead put it into your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big cough and throw the ball to the ground, then say, "Boy, these are good cigars."


If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.


If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's OK to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.


Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?


Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.


Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset, and he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet, and also, you're drunk.

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.


It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them. Man, wise up!


It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.


It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly, but also, check out his Adam's apple.


It's easy to sit there and say you'd like more money, and I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy, just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.


It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.


Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.


Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.


Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.


Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself, "mankind". Basically it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.


One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.


One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.


One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is don't run with a wooden stake.


People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long blonde hair.


Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.


Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.


Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad, and then I think, "Ah, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"


Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern, with a knife stuck in the side of its head, with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.


The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.


The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.


The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.


The sound of fresh rain runoff splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

The whole town laughed at my great grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano, and collect the gold nuggets that shot out everyday. It turned out he was right. After 40 years the volcano petered out. Everybody left town and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg, and the doctor's bills were real high.


The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."


They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."


To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.


To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.


Today, I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house, and I thought, "I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself - a shell if you will - but my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."


Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.


We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

We used to laugh at grandpa, when he'd head off and go fishing, but we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.


When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.


When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.


When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert, to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.


When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must've sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."


When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.


Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, "What if I was an ant, and she fell on me?" Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.


Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?


You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way of letting off stress.


You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men.

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.


You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.


You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.